:: Saturday, October 21, 2006 ::

Organizing my email today I run into a note from my Auntie who died last summer. It doesn't say much, but it's her, complete with "hellooo daahlingk" and "honey bunch". Its weird how you grow used to someone's absence, how you think you're over it, and then something so small makes you so angry. Angry there's no number where that voice will be on the other end of the line.

A few months ago I was moving my "important" stuff from SSI, just enough that I could carry, and going through my expandofile of documents I found the little sheaf of papers from my high school friend who died a few years ago. The papers are emails, letters and poems and whatnot he wrote to/for me. They've become ten times more valuable to me because in a moment of sheer stupidity I deleted them along with the old email account. Some of the papers have been spilled on and realizing that they're so perishable is a bit scary. I suppose I could retype them but it wouldn't be the same, it would be lacking that feeling they have, knowing that he sat there and typed them just as they appear. They would miss his old email address in the "from" field. They just wouldn't be the same.

Sometimes I really wish I could go back, just for one day. Missing people is somewhat like missing a substance you've given up, like sugar or smokes. I suppose that means I'm addicted to the people I love. And I suppose there are worse substance abuse problems I could have. Hm.

Love hurts. But it hurts more to not have it, I guess.

:: Katy 3:43 p.m. [+] :: ::