:: Sunday, November 27, 2005 ::

I need to start keeping a paper journal again.

But I think what would make me really happy, in a perfect world, is a blend between the two.

Because I want to put my secrets out there in the world, and have them witnessed and validated and understood.

But, at the same time, I don't want anyone's opinions, nor do I want their opinion of me to change.

I wish I could admit my weaknesses without feeling the need to camoflauge or defend them. I wish I could put them out there and have someone see them and say, "yes, I get it, don't make the right decisions, make the decisions you want to make."

And I wish that my secrets could be understood. Because every time I do decide to tell them, they seem to get all twisted and misinterpreted and suddenly there's this monster-image of me out there in people's imaginations that is so far from how I really am.

I wish I could take down this wall that I've put up in this journal, and air my dirty laundry here. But this wouldn't work as long as you might read it, and remember it later.

Why can't I have an audience with a selective short-term memory problem?

Ah well. Paper journal will have to do.


~song~ my furnace

:: Katy 2:07 a.m. [+] :: ::