:: Thursday, October 20, 2005 ::

All of a sudden I've been floored by this strange thing... regret.

Right now, I regret all the money I've spent in the past 14 months.

I regret not working last year, wasting so much time.

I regret all the mediocre grades that sit like ticking time bombs on my transcript.

I know this feeling will pass, and I know that I have to forgive myself for all the "mistakes" that I've made that felt like good decisions at the time. But it's just hard when I take stock of my current situation and realize that I'm coming out of University with no specific job skills, almost thirty grand of student debt, a transcript that will likely preclude my gaining entrance into any graduate program, and did I mention thirty grand of debt? And it's not like I didn't know this was going to happen, but now that I'm two months away from actually dealing with it, it seems more upsetting.

I know I'll be happier if I pursue photography and become self-employed. But realizing that doing anything related to my degree will be monumentally difficult is sort of sad. I do like my degree...

But maybe what I'm really sad about is that I have no way to make more than the most minimum of wages while trying to pay off that debt and save for photography. For the first time, I sincerely feel regret for not taking a program that led directly to a (well paying) job.

It'll pass, I'm sure. But today that's how I feel.


~song~ John Butler Trio - Hello

:: Katy 5:55 p.m. [+] :: ::