I'm back in Vancouver again, and if I have to leave again within the next month would someone please just hold me hostage in my own house? Please?
I'm the queen of itchy feet, but I'd like just a month in my own city.
Came through my Auntie's funeral okay, despite it being one of the most stressful days in recent memory. I had all these grand illusions about being strong and supportive for other people, but in the end I just because an irritable, oversensitive, hyperventilating mess. I'm glad I went, but I'm not entirely sure how I feel now that it's past. I guess I'm just glad I'm in a better place now than I have been for the previous year - I'm able to let these events flow by one by one rather than build up like a dam. If I believed in anything other than the randomness of nature, then I suppose I'd be upset at how unfair this whole situation is. Considering my belief (which I had much opportunity to ponder during the two hour church service), though, I think it would be more accurate to say 'unfortunate.'
I spent a good few hours cleaning my room tonight. Somehow it makes everything else seem organized too. I'm caught up in all my classes save one, which I am so ridiculously behind in it's actually a bit scary. I have to read two novels by yesterday. Oh well though - it's nobody's fault but my own. I'll get it done. Tomorrow night I have to do an oral presentation... and I'm so scared I just want to crawl under my bed. Anyone who knows me will laugh at this admission. Yes, there are situations where I don't want to talk. Surprise, surprise, surprise...
The thing is though... despite all of this... all the illnesses, all the unhappiness, all the death, all the stress... I'm still happier than I've been in over a year. What I mean by that is this sadness feels seperate from my identity. It feels like something I am experiencing, as opposed to part of who I am. I just can't explain how relieving it is to have crawled out, and stayed out, of that rut.