:: Thursday, November 06, 2003 ::

I know it's that time... term paper time, end of term time, that time of the month... but I can't help but feel helpless about school right now. Do I really want to be here? Am I wasting my time and money, digging myself thirteen thousand dollars into debt and counting for a degree that likely won't get me a job that pays more than minimum wage? A degree that only gets me a ticket into more school... law school, grad school... is that what I want?

I want to lie on a beach in a tropical country. I want to have a car and not have to fight for a seat on the one bus that didn't drive past full. I want to have enough money to buy CD's and actually support the artists I love rather than illigally downloading their music. I want to sit in a movie theatre all day and buy overpriced popcorn and stare at the screen and be overwhelmed with beauty and cry. I want to see my friends. I want to snowboard.

I want to go to photography school. I want to kayak guide in the gulf islands. I want to take creative writing. I want to publish a book. I want to sell photos. I want to build furniture. I want to knit baby blankets and rub my belly on a mountain of arbutus trees. I want to fall for someone who treats me well for once. I want to throw my collected works of William Shakespeare into the pacific ocean and sit around reading Ginsberg with a cigarette and a bottle of red wine.

I haven't read a book for fun since July. I have two and a half years of school left.

Two and a half.

Why do I want a degree so badly when I have no idea if I'll ever even use it? If I'm not stoked to do the work I need to do in order to earn it? Fuck Keats and Coleridge and Wordsworth. Fuck Twelfth Night. Fuck l'imperatif et l'imparfait. Fuck Nietzsche and Kierkegaard.

Pascal said there is no good in this life but in the hope of another. It sounds depressing, but we all seem to feel that way at some point. Not that we want to die... just that we want our lives to be different. We're always looking forward to the end... at the end of this month, this year, my degree, this job, this life... when I'm out of school, when I travel, when I have babies, when I meet the right man/woman, when I have a good job...

I would love to be at a point in my life where I don't have to look forward to a point in my life where I love it.

If that makes any sense.


~song~ Fiona Apple - Limp

:: Katy 12:46 a.m. [+] :: ::