:: Monday, April 14, 2003 ::

My submission to Another 48 Hours

Pride (n.): Pleasure or satisfaction taken in an achievement, possession, or association: (parental pride).

Imagine five young girls cruising along in a '77 Oldsmobile, a huge beast of a car with a light gas pedal and a broken speedometer. The vehicle is so heavy that it feels like it's flying over every small bump or hill. Suddenly, the small island roads become a rollercoaster where the ride lasts as long as you want and the admission charge is waived. The girls are not intoxicated by alcohol or drugs, merely speed and the brief illusion of freedom the car affords.

Imagine four young girls standing around the wrecked Olds, silent with shock but unscathed. One girl remains in the car, behind the wheel, taking in the deafening silence and the broken glass that has sprinkled across her lap like snow. Her hands are still on the wheel, and once assured her friends are okay, she can only say one thing:

My parents are going to kill me.

Pride (n.): Arrogant or disdainful conduct or treatment; haughtiness.

Imagine 130 soon-to-be high school graduates sitting in the spotlight in a crowded auditorium. Each girl has been washed, dried, straightened, curled, pinned, primped, preened, painted, and bejeweled. A corsage strapped to her wrist and high heels strapped to her feet, one young girl sits near the middle of the bleacher-like seating and waits for her name to be called.

Her name is simple, classic, fitting for a respectable scholarship winner. Or so she imagines, as she sits and waits to see what she's won. Her name is near the end of the alphabet, and as each Adams and Jones and Michaels is called she witnesses each award she applied for presented to someone else.

By the time her name is called there is little left for her. She manages to walk gracefully down the stairs to receive her diploma, only teetering slightly in her unsensible shoes. She smiles for the audience, trying to appear lighthearted, and to her great relief she does win an award or two. Two, to be exact. It's a fair chunk of money, but she can only think one thing:

Why the hell didn't I win more?

Pride (n.): A sense of one's own proper dignity or value; self-respect.

Imagine a first year university student. She is failing and she is miserable. Her greatest talent at the moment is her ability to make it to 160 lines in Tetris. One night, after hours of sitting in her darkened room, staring at the bright computer screen with bloodshot eyes, she is suddenly hypnotized by the flurry of falling misshapen blocks. In the midst of this optical confusion she experiences mental clarity: nobody cares anymore. There are no parents around to read report cards. There are no teachers who know her by name. There are no universities evaluating high school transcripts and sending off letters: "we are proud to welcome you to our school!" She's finally realized the most important thing:

If I'm going to get anywhere from this point on, it's going to have to be because I want to.

Pride (n.): .....

Perhaps my biggest mistake was always trying to please others. I couldn't be proud of my good grades and volunteering unless I'd made someone else proud as well... preferably someone with a fat checkbook and a willing pen.

Nearly failing first year was the hardest thing I ever did. Luckily I was blessed with parents who ended up showing me that failure is part of the learning process. Parents who demonstrated that real pride in someone is respecting their self-loyalty. Parents who said two things when I called to say I'd wrecked the car:

"are you okay?" and "shit happens."

:: Katy 2:11 a.m. [+] :: ::