:: Tuesday, April 15, 2003 ::

I could just cry... or fall asleep.

I remember the first set of exams I ever wrote at University vividly. I was in Science, miserable, homesick, and terribly behind. I would stare at the covers of my books nightly and a wave of panic would wash over me. I got caught up in the undertow, crying all the time, feeling so helpless and suffocated. I came thisclose to dropping out entirely.

It was at this low point in my life that I made a choice. I could be miserable, or I could be happy. At that point, it wasn't going to change my marks in the least. So I chose to be happy. From that moment on, the word "stress" was greek to me. I was calm, I stopped crying, and I waited for the end of exams and a nice trip home for Christmas.

I was happy. I failed, but I was happy.

The trouble is, I'm no longer at the point where stress would be at the "clinical depression" level. If planned correctly, this exam period could have been a relative breeze. But the day I made that choice to be happy, I sabotaged myself. Stress isn't a bad thing in moderation. It motivates you, smacking you in the face and telling you to get to work. But there is a wrench stuck in the works, and I can't seem to get it out.

I had a paper due today. As of this moment I have not written a word. I look at the cover of the book and it excites me - yet ever time I open it up it just makes me tired.

Two more term papers and two more exams...I'm not really sure how I'm going to get through this. I wish it would all just disappear.

:: Katy 9:26 p.m. [+] :: ::