I wrote an entry yesterday that I really felt strongly about, but the computer I was working on lost it. I rewrote it, and the computer lost it again. Needless to say, I was getting a little bit frustrated. I now have a computer that works so I think I'll try again.
Do you know the feeling I'm talking about when I say I want to crawl out of my skin? That feeling like this body and the life it's living just isn't right for you right now, and so you want to just rip your skin right down the middle and step right out of it. It's so strange, it's like physical life is too heavy, it weighs us down. I'm not talking about melodramatic quarter-life crisis or anything, but just a general feeling that something isn't quite right, isn't working out the way you want, all of that. That's sort of how I feel right now. For some reason it made me think about the Jains. You know, those crazy eastern aesthetics who Buddha hung out with for a while before he figured it all out? They believed that the body was a prison for the soul and so they tortured and starved themselves as some sort of punishment for the body. Again, no melodrama, I'm not thinking of turning into a cutter. I just mean... well, don't you ever just feel tacked down? Like insects pinned to a board, we squirm around and if only we could get those damn pins out we could just hop, fly, crawl, or scurry away.
The Jains also rejected the idea of a supreme being, and I like that too. A couple of years ago I developed a theory of belief for myself that centred around the idea that WE are God. You know - that there is no one supreme being or higher power, but that once we become enlightened we transcend and collectively mix into some kind of soup of love and wisdom. It's equal and not based on fear or rules. There is no higher power - rather, WE are the higher power. I am God and YOU are God and together we are a force greater than when we are down here working against each other. This also goes further to perhaps explain the way we feel connected to certain people, the way some people just feel like home to us (stole that from some movie, but I've always liked it), the way some of us have strong intuition. I guess I'm agnostic, I think that we can never know the truth about God and all that goes with, and more importantly, I think the point is that we can never know. But part of me just can't accept the idea that there is a supreme being. Why supreme? I see 'God' in so many people. When I witness passion or compassion or wisdom or charity, that is God, and that's good enough for me. Why would I need anything more? Stop searching the sky for answers, just sit back and enjoy the stars. Just look around you. That was always the part I liked best about that movie American Beauty - the part where he reminds you to just close your eyes and let it all rush past you, don't try to stop it or hold it in your hand, just let it keep going. I didn't realise at the time how Buddhist that statement was - that explains why I liked it so much.
But that's getting off topic. I guess all I'm trying to get at is that sometimes I just wish life could go the way I want it to. I can't really complain, I have a fantastic life, and I know that. I have the most amazing and wonderful parents a person could ask for. I have friends who inspire and astound me every day. I am well fed and loved and get to attend school and study topics that interest me. I am encouraged to think freely and allowed to believe whatever feels right to me. I grew up on an tree-covered island, fantastic in its simplicity, and now I live in an incredible city. But I guess it's human nature to be dissatisfied. Because all of that is great, but I want more. I want all my friends to be happy and get along. I want to get the guy for once. I want more time for studying and less time for wasting. I want enough money that I never have to worry about it. I want world peace to break out and I want every baby in the world to be well fed and loved. I want just enough sorrow left in the world that we can appreciate our happiness. I want a cottage in the woods by the ocean and a lake and I want it to be bursting with babies and laughter and love, with dogs and cats and horses and birds chirping in the trees, with rainstorms beating down on the roof, big fat raindrops that make everything bright and shiny, with days of sunshine that turn my skin brown and crispy and make popsicles melt and run down my hand, and with calm nights and frogs and crickets making harmonies outside my bedroom window. But I guess for the moment I shouldn't complain. A dorm at Totem park might not be so picturesque but it does burst at the seams with love sometimes, almost enough love to keep me satisfied all hours, all days, all year. I've got my books and my music and distinct lack of kitsch and clutter and useless shit. The Beatles said it - all you need is love.
And I thought I had nothing to say.
listening: my parents puttering around with tea and dinner and the TV in the background
reading: same old
watching: nada