:: Sunday, April 20, 2003 ::

Hypocritical Me

The clothes, they call to me. From across the mall where I am responsibly buying discounted underwear, I hear their pleas: "buy me... buy me... c'mon, just try me on... you know you want to..." They launch their poly-cotton tractor beams in my direction and there is nothing I can do. I am pulled through the doors, greeted by painfully friendly staff members whom I quickly bypass. Surrounded by all of the sweet, sweet fabric, I suddenly realize that I am in trouble.

I have entered the Gap.

--------

I escaped with only one shirt (on sale) but a whole bagful of guilt. Who am I, really? Am I the person who waxes morally responsible in this journal, writing epic entries about the evils of consumerism and the increasing disposability of our society? Or am I the person who secretly loves consuming, who doesn't even have enough willpower to walk past the open doors of the Gap?

That telltale shirt is calling to me from my closet. Along with the 48 Hours challenge, it has made me think about the different faces that I wear. I always used to think that there was this gladiator competition happening inside of me - as if the calm, inner monologue could kick some tactless loudmouth ass and transform me into that perfect, non-abrasive girl that I thought I should be. But as I walked out of the mall, Gap bag in hand, I realized that these sides of me don’t compete, they compliment. And anyone who takes the time to know me will enjoy discovering every contradiction.

And while I still want equality, happiness and world peace… I can barely keep myself from ripping everyone’s Easter candy off their res doors and keeping it for myself.

Oh – and I cut all the tags out of my clothing today. It burns the skin a little less, I think.

------

Take me or leave me.

:: Katy 9:45 p.m. [+] :: ::